Thursday, September 6, 2012

Mother Days

This is a raw post today for me, so please be gentle with my soul. I kept trying to take a picture of myself, but I had to stop because it was hard to look at the photos. I look so much like my biological mother in this moment, it makes my heart heavy. Instead of avoiding these feelings like I normally do, I am inviting them out into the open; the light of day.


There is not too much to say about my mother because I do not have a relationship with her. I last saw her in 2007 and I have not talked to her in almost two years. I last lived with her when I was 2 or 3 and still remember little snippets from that time. However, she chose to follow a different path than motherhood; a darker, addictive, more dangerous path. I am grateful she did not drag me along, but I know some of my other siblings were not as fortunate.

To say I have abandonment issues is an understatement, and I have struggled with feelings of self-loathing and trust for as long as I can remember. I have overcome a lot, but it is a battle everyday. So these are my Mothering Days, usually triggered by similar stories of sweet innocent babies left by their mothers. I burn inside for the children involved because I have been there. The hours sitting by the window waiting for the mommy who ended up calling and giving a pathetic excuse why she couldn't come over; or simply not calling at all. Not feeling good enough ever. It is such an isolating place to be in and so lonely for a baby.

I know now it was never my fault, it was about her and not me, but it never feels good enough. I think my heart strings will always feel a little twinge and longing for the mother connection that was taken from me in this lifetime. Maybe this is my medicine in this lifetime; to break this cycle if I become a mother one day. IF. I have mothering issues galore.

However, there is a shining light in this story. Growing up with my father, he has been with the same woman since I was 3, and in a way she became my mother. When I was a child it was hard though, it was made very clear I was the "other," so it wasn't until I left the nest and was in college that our relationship grew. It has taken me 22 years to say she is my mother, and it is still hard. Did I say I have trust issues?

They are coming down to visit next week, and I am excited to see her and open up to her. It reminds me of the phrase, "When one door closes, God opens a window..." The window may have been high up, but I can finally reach it. It is time to surrender to what this life has given me and be grateful for this second opportunity of mothering, and just give in.

Thank you for letting me voice these feelings, dear ones.
Lots of love,
Marissa Moondaughter




24 comments:

  1. this is a brave post, thanks for sharing. i will be sending all the positivity i can your way :) stay optimistic my friend.

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  2. Very brave post. You are an inspiration. Thanks for being beautiful.

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  3. i'm sure it took a lot of courage to post this, thank you for sharing it.

    i know with patience and age, you'll overcome a lot of the issues you are dealing with now. and that will allow you to have a beautiful relationship with your 'step' mom and future children.

    sending good vibes to you! :)

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  4. AW man. I just started writing you something and it got deleted.
    I'm glad you posted this. My story is very, very close to the same. My mom was addicted to meth, coke, alcohol, is bipolar, multiple personality disorder, depressed.. She had part time custody of me when I was little.. at 11 I just stopped seeing her. I told her if she quit doing drugs and drinking I'd want to be around her. She told me she would always be an addict and that was that. When I was 18 I tried to contact her.. see her. She told me I left her. That her life was f***ed up because of me. That she didn't love me. That I'm a terrible person. (My sister was unfortunately raised by her- we have different dads).
    I hate a lot about myself because of her. (I'm bipolar.. thanks "mom!") I actually have only told you and my fiance this fact.. But I hate admitting when anything about me aligns with her. I actually have trouble when I see a picture of my teeth/mouth area. It's just like hers and I hate it. I try to smile with my mouth closed for pictures. I don't want to see her!
    My Dad has been with his gf since I was 4 months old, broke up for a bit when I was 5, but are still together to this day. I too know she has been here forever, but .. I dont' have that mother - daughter connection that I've always wanted. (I like how you said just no in this lifetime.. really comforted me)..
    I have the worst abandonment issues, trust issues, self esteem is a struggle.. some days I'm fine.. other days I wish there was an easy way out. My question for you, what helps you?
    I'm glad you posted this. I feel very connected to your post. It makes me want to cry to know there is someone out there who feels like me. Sending you love and blessings girl.
    (ps: my email is konaeyb@hotmail.com)
    -baylee

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    1. Oh Baylee, I am so with you, I will email you <3

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  5. This broke my heart because you are so strong! I wish I could be as brave. Thank you for sharing this very personal story. My own mom verbally disowned me a couple of years ago, and I haven't had the courage to share that with anyone until now. Your honesty alone tells me that you would be a remarkable mother, should you make that choice for yourself. Sending lots of love and gratitude your way.

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    1. Oh Courtney, you are so brave too. Thank you so much for your honesty as well <3

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  6. this is such a raw, brave post. sending you big big love.

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  7. Sending love & light & healing energy to you. Thank you for sharing this & letting your rawness have a voice. It would have been much easier to squash her away.

    <3 Amy

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    1. It usually is so much easier, but no more! Ah, thank you Amy for the love <3

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  8. Such a strong soul. You are a brave, wild woman and such an inspiration to us all.
    Thank you for sharing something so raw, so vulnerable about yourself with us.
    I'm certainly sending well wishes and comforting energy your way. Have a beautiful day.
    Peace, Lauren

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    1. Thank you Lauren, it means so much to me that I can share this part of myself here and feel so supported <3

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  9. Sending much love and good vibes to you during these hard times. As a child of a kind mother who broke the cycle, I can tell from reading your blog and seeing your caring nature that you can break the cycle too. I admire you so much for working to let go of these feelings. Thank you for sharing and being so brave. <3

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  10. marissa, you are so brave for sharing this in your space here. I know we have talked a little bit about this together before, but I dont think we talked about the mothering issues it brought up for you. I find it interesting that we both have such deep mothering issues, but both stem from two completely different paths. but run so deep in our hearts. i hope your visit goes well. maybe this is a turning point for you. it sounds like your heart is already headed in that direction. i definitely know without a doubt that you have it in you to break this cycle. you are full of love to give...

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    1. Oh thank you Laura, we are such kindred souls, thank you for your love <3

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  11. Hi! I just discovered your blog come from yellow porch light.
    The first thing I read was this post and you have left me almost speechless ..
    In spite of being a very personal story and hard for you, I think it's wonderful that you can open to Share here and if it makes you better have that inner pain much better.
    I've also had some family problems but not usually talk about it because the memory hurts.
    But in the background with the years you realize that although I had a bad, you'll never erase from your head, so I guess that pain becomes to go ahead and learn to love the pain a bit as it is part of you, your past and who you are now.
    Well forgive my English, it is not very good ejejejej
    Just wanted to tell you it's a great pleasure to meet you and follow you.
    I send a big greeting.
    I leave my blog if you fancy visiting ;)
    http://bitsofmoon.blogspot.com.es/

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    1. Thank you so much Thaina, everyone here is so supportive, I am so grateful I have everyone here in the space! It is not possible without you all. Yes, all our pains need our love, thank you for reminding me. So happy to have you here!

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  12. Marissa, I just started reading your blog a few weeks ago. I want to thank you for being so open, for trusting your readers. Often as bloggers we only post the happy face, but it is so humanizing to read posts like this one. Opening old wounds is so painful, but it's the only way they will heal. I have some wounds I'm not ready to examine yet, but this post gives me hope that someday I will have the strength to heal them.
    Love & Light

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    1. Thank you so much Rhiannon, I appreciate this so much. We are all human and need that reminder sometimes. One day you will face them and you will be so supported and loved through it all, you already are :)

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