This is a raw post today for me, so please be gentle with my soul. I kept trying to take a picture of myself, but I had to stop because it was hard to look at the photos. I look so much like my biological mother in this moment, it makes my heart heavy. Instead of avoiding these feelings like I normally do, I am inviting them out into the open; the light of day.
There is not too much to say about my mother because I do not have a relationship with her. I last saw her in 2007 and I have not talked to her in almost two years. I last lived with her when I was 2 or 3 and still remember little snippets from that time. However, she chose to follow a different path than motherhood; a darker, addictive, more dangerous path. I am grateful she did not drag me along, but I know some of my other siblings were not as fortunate.
To say I have abandonment issues is an understatement, and I have struggled with feelings of self-loathing and trust for as long as I can remember. I have overcome a lot, but it is a battle everyday. So these are my Mothering Days, usually triggered by similar stories of sweet innocent babies left by their mothers. I burn inside for the children involved because I have been there. The hours sitting by the window waiting for the mommy who ended up calling and giving a pathetic excuse why she couldn't come over; or simply not calling at all. Not feeling good enough ever. It is such an isolating place to be in and so lonely for a baby.
I know now it was never my fault, it was about her and not me, but it never feels good enough. I think my heart strings will always feel a little twinge and longing for the mother connection that was taken from me in this lifetime. Maybe this is my medicine in this lifetime; to break this cycle if I become a mother one day. IF. I have mothering issues galore.
However, there is a shining light in this story. Growing up with my father, he has been with the same woman since I was 3, and in a way she became my mother. When I was a child it was hard though, it was made very clear I was the "other," so it wasn't until I left the nest and was in college that our relationship grew. It has taken me 22 years to say she is my mother, and it is still hard. Did I say I have trust issues?
They are coming down to visit next week, and I am excited to see her and open up to her. It reminds me of the phrase, "When one door closes, God opens a window..." The window may have been high up, but I can finally reach it. It is time to surrender to what this life has given me and be grateful for this second opportunity of mothering, and just give in.
Thank you for letting me voice these feelings, dear ones.
Lots of love,